My guilty little secret on tv

Grand final night on The Bachelor (Australia), tragically I have a love and hate relationship and can’t seem to avert my eyes.  I even set up a fake facebook account just to read the comments and immature polls.  I can feel you judging me already but we all have our trashy shows or music we just relax into the couch and rub our hands together whilst looking around almost in guilt.

Why does a natural woman like me like such a fake, edited show full of wannabe actors and media whores??   

Is it Tim’s designer stubble and avoidance of having been a topless waiter??  Nope.

Is it the witty banter and intelligent conversations shown by the horde of women??  Nope.

Is it the inherent chance to mock dumb asses…. BINGO!  That probably makes me sound very judgemental, but it just strikes me as such a contrived exercise I can’t help but comment on.

Upon analysis, most of the contestants are models/actresses/promotional hostesses and just about all of them are the classic extroverted, slender and perfectly made up women.  They’re gorgeous and seem to have no issue with the inane chat and pouts perfected.  As with most groups of social interaction with women there is manipulation, dishonesty and isolation tactics.  Interestingly, some of the more intellectual contestants didn’t get much time perhaps because they weren’t entertaining enough for the audience or because they forgot to pout and trill on cue.  In one episode the lovelies were treated to a private art gallery showing and not one of them was interested or could muster a proper sentence about art, I mean really is it that hard to be moved by beauty???  Same women sprouted verbs, nouns and adjectives in a expensive jewellery shop – grrrr. 

What is intensely sad is the amount of lavish money spent on dates nobody could ever afford and these women are all gushing like the actual bachelor organised it, not the production team associated with the show.  I guess it annoys me incessantly that dates have to be some huge scale production telling women at home that’s what ‘real romance’ should be or aspire to.  Having known enough princesses in my working life that equated money to intimacy or effort it just reinforces that view again and again.  I am a romantic, but there has to be a sense of authenticity in it and of the personal aspect of someone’s inner self otherwise it’s just for show.

Ironically I don’t find the actual bachelor sexy in any way shape or form unlike most of Australia’s women.  Give me a man with a brain any day over tanned skin and a six pack.  Plus, he’s not said one really personal comment about himself the entire series and it’s just drab really.  I keep fantasising it’s really David Duchovny quipping literature and smiling to myself. 

Despite all of the flaws and contrived settings, I still enjoy my guilty pleasure.  Would I last two seconds on the show, nope (I’m too forthright and probing) yet I can still groan to myself on my couch for once without the aid of a vibrator….



Wise words of Nina Hartley

A good friend and loyal reader emailed this to me to post for reading and comment here, so thanks to the elusive man and of course to Nina Hartley for being an authentic voice of the porn/erotica industry.  I’ve read some great articles by her on sex in general and admire her stance on sexual knowledge being empowering. 

It’s a good reminder to those who go into any type of cam/stripping/porn/sex work that you need to have a level of self awareness and intelligence beyond the initial allure to make it work for you.  I particularly like the sentiment of ‘owning’ your experiences, never make excuses for your choices or goals in life as long as they ring true for you, it really doesn’t matter if you come from a place of truth.  By this, I simply mean do what resonates for you. 

I’m also a big fan of empowering oneself, if you feel the need to self medicate or party yourself so that everything else in life in dulled then that says a lot about your choice of job, personal life and trying to fill a void you don’t even realise is there.  Having said that, work involving sexuality is growing exponentially and it is interesting to see how it affects people as a valid career choice.  Vive la difference!


Letter to a New Performer
by Nina Hartley
Hello! If you’re reading this you’re either thinking of joining the ranks of on-camera adult performers, or have already started such a job. Some of you may be doing this as a temporary occupation and some of you may be “Lifers” like me (2014 will mark my 30th anniversary in front of the camera).
You’re going to make mistakes as you figure out how to make this work for you, but there’s no need to make my mistakes. Allow me to offer words of hard-won wisdom that, if I had only known then what I know now, I’d have had a much better and more profitable time (and I’m considered a success story!).
In a nutshell, here’s what you should be thinking about, or have already figured out:
1. Have a plan for after.
You will likely want to leave porn at some point. What will you do? Will you have taken the time and effort to learn other skills? Use porn to finance your schooling to maximize your options when porn is no longer right for you. Be aware that Porn Is Forever, and anything you commit to camera will be in the ether always, no matter what you do later in life.
2. Know why you’re here and own it.
The people who really do well, financially and emotionally, are those whose sexual values and orientations are already kinky/alt/non-traditional. Doing porn to act out childhood issues regarding worth, attractiveness, anger, resentment, abuse, etc. will backfire sooner or later. Do porn ONLY if, like me, sex is your thing. If your values around sex, love and relationships are on the more traditional side, this is likely not a good job choice for you.
3. Figure out your issues with money and deal with them, pronto.
Your greatest earning potential is often within the first three years, when you are still “new.” DO NOT blow this money on cars, partners, partying, clothes, etc. This is adult entertainment, so treat your earnings as an adult would. Have a savings plan and stick to it. One day you’ll want to leave and you should be able to do so with the money YOU earned with YOUR body.
4. If you don’t do something at home for free and for fun, DO NOT do it on camera for money. That goes triple for anal.
A true fan wants to see you have an authentically good time, not a pretend one. ONLY do acts on camera that you already like. If not, there’ll be a record of you having a shit time and the money will be spent. And if you don’t do anal, then Don’t. Do. Anal. Just don’t. Really.
5. Do not date anyone who does not have a job, a car and a place to live.
It’s often the case that sex workers end up supporting non-contributory partners and get stuck at their jobs past the point they’d prefer. You work too hard to support a deadbeat. Unless they’re in school full-time and you’re in a committed relationship and will be together after they get out of school, any partner needs to have their own money.
6. Do not let any romantic partner shame you for what you do.
The FIRST time they throw your job in your face during an argument, show them the door and lose their number. Do not permit slut shaming for an instant. Shaming is when another projects their issues on to you, using your job as an excuse. It may be hard to stand up to them, but you must. Plus, just accept that your family WILL find out sooner or later and you’ll have to deal with that fallout. I have one sibling who, after 30 years, still barely speaks to me.
7. Have a “floor price,” below which you just won’t get out of bed.
Only you know what your body and labor are worth to you. If you don’t feel adequately compensated for your work, you are permitting disrespect. Plus, you’ll start to hate your job, your life and yourself. Your performance will suffer and with it, your public image. Be your own advocate. Everyone wants a piece of you, so listen to your gut when deciding on a job offer.
8. Your mental health is your responsibility.
If you feel unbalanced, seek out a mental health professional that is supportive of sex workers. You may need to make changes in your work life or schedule, or what you do on camera.
9. Pay your taxes.
Consult an accountant and do what they say re: taxes, deductions, etc. Look into incorporating. Cash jobs are very rare and there is a paper trail of money exchange. You will not outwit the system. Start a retirement account and a savings account, to give you the power to say “no” to any one job. In California porn is a legal job. Treat it as one.
10. Use social media to your advantage.
Buy your URL, get a Twitter account, etc. Social media allows you to directly interact with your fans and potential fans. This is a huge boon to any single performer.
11. Own as much of your material/content as is possible.
This is the secret to long-term success. Becoming a cam model is a great way to deal directly with the consumer and you set your own hours and price scale (and work out of your home!). These days, “content” is money. We now can own the means of production, so learn to be your own boss.
12. If you have to be high, drunk or stoned to manage going to work, GET ANOTHER JOB.
13. Be vigilant about testing.
Follow the latest protocols regarding STI testing. View your partner’s test results before a scene and show yours to them. Do not work with anyone with broken skin on their genitals.
14. Keep a life.
Lastly, maintain a personal life where you have the sex that’s best for your emotional and mental health. Make the time and take the space for yourself



The world is a beautiful place, and I love the way art like other forms of creativity evolves and becomes something new and universal. Astounding that you can now find art on houses, side walks, fire hydrants and stairs instead of just a frame or a sculpture.

Plus, who has not had a evil little fantasy of being a god crushing ant sized humans when in a high rise building?? Duality, we all have it.